[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
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A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel