can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
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[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.