I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
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He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
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