INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
You Might Also Like
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*