Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?