A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.