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Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Get in loser we’re going crying
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.