men what’s stopping you from looking like this
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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew