me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
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me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Respect
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?