I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
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The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift