You Might Also Like
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Breaking news:
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay