Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.