I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
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Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money