*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
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There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I believe the plural is “milves.”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.