I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.