Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
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“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.