Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
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What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
look at me when i’m typing to you
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Yup
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*