[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
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Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
It’s the weekend y’all
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes