I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
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Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.