*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
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lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
A classic…
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault