Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
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I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
yeah 😭
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES