Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
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My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
*has no idea what a book even is*
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way