I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
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I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth