I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
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I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Happy weekend !
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.