Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
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Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I’ll be mad as hell!
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*