Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
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I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.