I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once