If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
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you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
is nasa ok
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?