Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
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Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Seals are just dog mermaids.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.