AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
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ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.