HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch