My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
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Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
*sewing*
A thread
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.