Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.