Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?