Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
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You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.