judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
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mumsnet is amazing
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
cry laughing at this shit
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
honestly, i need both:
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.