Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
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Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.