Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
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“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Best table by far
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.