As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
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I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious