Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
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I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers