About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
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We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Lunatics are gonna loon.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present