Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
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Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic