Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Bootstraps
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho