beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.