Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
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can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
how much does a mortician urn in a year
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
There are no pants in heaven.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.