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*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.