I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
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Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Hey I worked for it too!
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*