Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
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[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
ok like just. call me at this point
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
#Caturday
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.