I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
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“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
this is the news I live for
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”