WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
What?!?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice